25 December 2008

and so it went

This Christmas came and went so fast, it was blurry.

Our trip out to the Pacific Northwest was canceled due to the weather, and there were more than a few very, very disappointed souls here as well as over there. It would have been our last trip up that way before our move. Mom was so disappointed that she has already decided to come down during spring. I am glad that she doesn't mind travelling (because I do!).

We did get up fairly early this morning and exchanged gifts. That was nice -- just the three of us, very relaxed and laid-back, with coffee mugs in our hands, the Christmas tree lights on and the fire going in the fireplace. Then we stayed in our pajamas and I finished reading Twilight (my homework from P) while E put together his new Lego project. M went running. Brrrrr.

I really do enjoy my little family. We are all healthy, together (at least for the time being), and appreciate each other very much. We got to spend time by ourselves -- that probably was the greatest, albeit unexpected, gift this year.

Merry Christmas, pumpkins.

21 December 2008

star of wonder, star of light

They went on their way, and the star they had seen in the east went ahead of them until it stopped over the place where the child was.

18 December 2008

11 December 2008

jolly.... or not

It's the most wonderful time of the year.... or so they say. We're supposed to be happy, merrily singing carols and decking the halls.

We buy presents, trim the tree, light the candles and open the advent calendar. Yes, we do have fun.

But we all know that it is also the most difficult time of the year. We're missing those dear ones who have departed, and oh how we wish, just wish, that we could be together again.

We miss those who are far away, whom we may not see until goodness knows when. How we wish we could be there, with them, right now.

What we crave is not a lavish party nor an expensive gift. We want the void to be filled and the tears to dry. When that's not possible and the heart still aches, give us peace and comfort so we can go on.

Then, one day at a time, we will make this into a season to remember, another memory to cherish. We will have ourselves a merry little Christmas.

10 December 2008

have yourself a merry little christmas

Let your heart be light
From now on
Our troubles will be out of sight

01 December 2008

waiting for santa claus

With little tin horns and little toy drums
Rooty toot toots and rummy tum tums
Santa Claus is coming to town

26 November 2008

on this day

You will be missed. You are and always will be in our hearts.

23 November 2008

when you're smilin'

Oh when you're smilin'
Keep on smilin'
The whole world smiles with you
Ah when you're laughin'
Keep on laughin'
The sun comes shinin' through

Now when you're cryin'
You bring on the rain
So stop that sighin'
Be happy again
Cause when you're smilin'
Just keep on smilin'
And the whole world's gonna smile with
The great big world will smile with
The whole wide world will smile with you

-Shay, Fisher, and Goodwin

20 November 2008

three o'clock in the afternoon

The yummiest snack I've ever had. Thank you, pumpkin, and I love you, too.

15 November 2008

baby mine

What's more important than anything to me is your presence and your smile. I will go through hail or fire for you.

Little one when you play
Don't you mind what they say
Let those eyes sparkle and shine
Never a tear, baby of mine

- Ned Washington

05 November 2008

do you remember?

I think of you, even though we are an ocean away. I think of you, because we are an ocean away.

Wish you were here. Wish I were there.

04 November 2008


I give thanks to Thee.

29 September 2008


The weather here went from "blazing hot (100 degrees)" to "nice and cool (75 degrees)" in three days.

Gotta start decorating in and around the house!

16 September 2008

why, God, why?

What do we say to someone who asks, "If there is a God, why is there so much suffering?", someone who is suffering, bombarded with challenges and tragedies, someone who cries, "Enough is enough! I can't take it any more"?

What do we offer beyond our hands to hold, ears to listen, shoulders to lean on?

Why are these things happening to these people?

Why do we even wonder why? What is the point of asking why?

I don't have the answers. So I just keep believing in God, my God, and keep on offering my hands to hold, ears to listen, and shoulders to lean on. Because there is nothing more I can do; this is all that I can do.

I am one small person, and I do what one small person can do. Nothing more. But nothing less.

11 September 2008

grandmother, grandson

I made this photo using PhotoFunia. The result photo caught my breath, becasue the person to whom these hands belong could be my own mother.

And, it made me think, could it also be me sometime in the future?

Oh, yes, it could.

04 September 2008

I do so like green eggs and ham!

You mean, you can read the whole book all by yourself now?

21 August 2008

will you love me forever?

"Will you love me forever?" I ask.

"I don't know if I'll love you forever, but I love you now," you answer.

Sweetheart, that's why I love you.

18 August 2008

well said

Actress Julianne Moore was the featured person in Parade Magazine this morning.

Not being much of a movie person, I haven't seen that many of her films, but I've always thought her incredibly beautiful and intelligent-looking. Julianne Moore, as portrayed in this article, didn't disappoint me.

Here's a quote: "I want them to be interested in their own lives and their own accomplishments.... I don't want them to be interested in mine. Mine are of no consequence to them. I am their mother. That's all I want to be to them -- not some artist who discusses her work with them. I don't care if they appreciate my artistry. I just want them to appreciate my unconditional love."

(My accomplishments) are of no consequence to them.

How refreshing is that?

And isn't it so, so true?

As a parent, it doesn't matter what one's occupation is or how great one is at that occupation; what matters is how good one is as a parent. And the childrent shouldn't have to worry about anything else in terms of who their parents are.

Now, does this have any relevance to my life, as I am a stay-at-home mother and have no other roles in my relationship with my child? Why yes, it does.

I am his mother. That's all I want to be to him.

09 August 2008

happy normal


Today is the first day since the beginning of July that feels somewhat normal. We're not traveling any more and the visitors are gone.

I take a deep breath.... in..... and out.

How fortunate it is that we have "normal" to fall back into. The comforting assurance of routine, lazy pleasure of boredom.

I am home, physically and mentally.

31 July 2008

today, this week, this month...

....and this year, this life.

Thank you for choosing me to share it with you. I hope this too will be a good one, and there shall be many more.

Love you forever.

22 July 2008

a gift from the earth

I ate the first tomato that came off our tomato plants in the backyard.

What a gift to the senses!

It looked all bumpy -- in fact it actually looked ugly, not at all pretty to look at, not like the ones we see in the supermarket. But of course I've seen these "slightly imperfect" looking vegetables at local farmers' market.

M sliced it for me, and sprinkled a bit of sea salt and freshly ground pepper. It smelled like the afternoon sun, and it tasted like sunshine.

Mmmmm. Joy. Delight.

It is a gift from the earth, gift of agricultural history, gift of love, gift of nature, and it is a gift of God.

06 July 2008

and so it goes

In every heart there is a room
A sanctuary safe and strong
To heal the wounds from lovers past
Until a new one comes along

I spoke to you in cautious tones
You answered me with no pretense
And still I feel I said too much
My silence is my self defense

And every time I've held a rose
It seems I only felt the thorns
And so it goes, and so it goes
And so will you soon I suppose

But if my silence made you leave
Then that would be my worst mistake
So I will share this room with you
And you can have this heart to break

And this is why my eyes are closed
It's just as well for all I've seen
And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows

So I would choose to be with you
That's if the choice were mine to make
But you can make decisions too
And you can have this heart to break

And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows.

----- Billy Joel

03 July 2008

happy birthday america

What a great country this is.

02 July 2008

fresh off the cornstalk

I'd like it uncooked, in my salad, please.

29 June 2008

so refreshing

The restorative, healing power of water.

We come from water, and we return to water.

Ashes to ashes, water to water.

13 June 2008

and with these wings, I soar

Tomorrow E and I go and meet up with M, who is already in Denver. Of course I've missed him, but more so because E talks about him so much.

I so love the way their relatioinship keeps growing stronger. M is the biggest hero that ever lived in E's universe, and the nature of the bond between them is very different from the bond that E and I share. There is a quality of almost sacred mutual respect between the two of them. I just love watching them (from afar) spend special, one-on-one moments.

Another beautiful day, with skies endlessly blue. I close with a prayer of eternal gratitude.

10 June 2008

how much do you love me?

How much do I love you, you ask?

I love you as high as the sky, as big as the sun, as deep as the ocean.

How much do I love you?

I love you as tall as the tree, as green as the leaves, as purple as the flowers.

I love you as soft as the hug, as sweet as the kiss, as tender as the smile, as far as the rainbow.

I love you always, forever, no matter what.

How much do you love me?

06 June 2008

sunshine on my shoulder

It's 79 degrees outside, and the humidity level is 40%. The sun is shining, and the chair on the patio is just the place to be. Just give me a book and a glass of iced tea.

Life is good, and knowing that I didn't earn this but was given this as a privilege keeps me humble.

What would I try to keep, if I was given an hour to pack and just a suitcase?

I know that there is nothing I abusolutely must have, as long as M is with me and I am holding E's hand. Love binds me, yet it also makes me free.... Free to sing, free to dance, free to laugh and free to cry.

Cheers to Sunshine and other little sunshines in my life.

14 May 2008

betcha by golly wow

There's a spark of magic in your eyes
Candyland appears each time you smile
Never thought that fairy tales came true
But they come true when I'm near you
You're a genie in disguise
Full of wonder and surprise

And betcha by golly, wow
You're the one that I've been waiting for forever
And ever will my love for you keep growin' strong
Keep growin' strong

If I could I'd catch a falling star
To shine on you so I'll know where you are
Order rainbows in your favorite shade
To show I love you, thinking of you
Write your name across the sky
Anything you ask I'll try

'Cause betcha by golly, wow
You're the one that I've been waiting for forever
And ever will my love for you keep growin' strong
Keep growin' strong

-- The Stylistics

28 April 2008

beloved island

There was a lot of work to do around the house on Saturday, and I worked really hard. Since it was an extremely hot day, I was soaking with sweat by the time I got everything done. I took a shower, and feeling refreshed, with a glass of wine in my hand, I stood in front of my gigabeat -- what should I listend to?

There's a feeling of accomplishment, the breeze is balmy, and I am sipping lovely wine --- what else is there but Hawaiian music?

I picked Kealii Reichel's Kawaipunahele.

This CD always takes me right back to Hawaii. I sat and listened to his voice, and I missed Hawaii so much that my heart ached. Akaka Falls came on, and I had an idea, and googled a map of the Big Island.

Now that was a fun thing to do. Look at that; this island is nothing but a big chunk of volcano! There is Keauhou Bay, where we stayed on our last trip, where I fell in love with Hawaiian green sea turtles, those sweet, lovely creatures. There is the town of Hawi, my favorite small town in the whole country.

So I had a virtual driving tour of the Big Island, satellite style, around the island in just 30 minutes. Until we can figure out a way to actually get there, this will have to do. But wait for me, the Big Island of Hawaii; I will be coming back to you. I love you and miss you; you have my heart.

17 April 2008

i love you much(most beautiful darling)

i love you much(most beautiful darling)

more than anyone on the earth and i
like you better than everything in the sky

-sunlight and singing welcome your coming

although winter may be everywhere
with such a silence and such a darkness
noone can quite begin to guess

(except my life)the true time of year-

and if what calls itself a world should have
the luck to hear such singing(or glimpse such
sunlight as will leap higher than high
through gayer than gayest someone's heart at your each

nearness)everyone certainly would(my
most beautiful darling)believe in nothing but love

-- e.e.cummings

30 March 2008

malibu, 90263

So we were in Santa Monica today, and because we weren't sure about the traffic situation on the freeway (there had been a closure due to an accident earlier), we took PCH back.

I'm a bit reluctant to admit this, but, really, I don't know what the big deal is about Malibu. Sure, it's nice out there. But I think the beaches I saw in Carmel and Pacific Grove up north were a hundred times prettier. Or Kailua Beach on Oahu. Or Waimea Beach on the other side of the island. Now those are truly beautiful beaches.

You need nice shops and cafes by the beach? Carmel's got them. So does Pacific Grove. Sure, these beaches are farther up north and Malibu is considerably warmer, at least much of the time, but weather can't be the only thing people look for in the beach, is it? Or is it?

It must be all that hype with the celebrity population that makes Malibu attractive, because, although the drive along PCH is nice enough (I admit, it beats driving on 101), there are miles of ugly houses on the ocean side of the road, and hundreds of feet of parked cars to look at that kind of take away from the joy of driving by the sea. There's also -- it seems always -- some type of construction going on that makes the area visually unappealing to me.

So there. I've said it. I'm not particularly crazy about Malibu, and if that deeply offends someone's sensibility, there's nothing I can do about it.

22 March 2008

yes, we were all there

Oh, sometimes it causes me to tremble, tremble, tremble. Were you there?

ache happens

My lower back has been bothering me, to the point where on some nights, I can't find any comfortable position in bed. I realized why today -- it's the chair in the office.

I've been spending a lot of time sitting at the desk recently, and this chair, which we bought -- when? I don't even remember -- for M, who is more than a foot taller than me, is not ergonomically correct for my body. Duh.

I dragged a chair from the kitchen and sat in it with a thick pillow between my back and the back of the chair, and goodness, what a difference it makes.

Yet another area in M and my lives where we are not compatible.....sometimes I think it is a miracle that we actually get along.

21 March 2008

spring fever

Yesterday was the first day of spring. The weather around here has been a tease, warming up a bit, cooling down again, getting really warm again, and then going back to almost winter-like temperature. Yesterday, however, was a nice day. It is warm and bright today, too, and maybe, just maybe, it really is spring now.

E's playroom project is almost complete. The magnetic boards and the flags arrived yesterday; all I have to do is have M put them up. I would have done that myself last night except the boards are too heavy for me to install. Didn't have the heart to ask M to do it last night, however.

The planters on the patio are now done as well. This year the color scheme is bold, bright, and all around happy. In a few weeks they will fill out, and about that time, it will be warm enough to start having dinner outside.

A glass of chilled white wine in my own backyard, at the end of a productive day. Life really can't get any better than that.

07 March 2008

about food blogs

There are soooooo many food blogs.

I used to wonder why that was the case, until I realized that food was quite possibly the easiest and most accessible topic to blog about.

One can blog about travels, but really, how often does one travel? Blogs can be also about movies, but I don't know anybody who sees a movie every day. Everybody has to eat, however. Most people eat a few times a day.

What's amazing about the food blogs I read is the amount of time and energy these people are evidently spending on creating, searching, consuming, photographing, and critiquing food. I enjoy cooking and I like to eat, too, but if I spent that much effort even just thinking about food, I would have no energy left to eat, let alone to cook.

The food blogs I like are those that don't just discuss food -- I find recipe blogs quite boring -- the ones I frequent look like they are talking about food but really they are talking about, oh, you know, love, life, relationship, and stuff like that. So far I have not found too many of them, but there are some, and they are oh so lovely.

04 March 2008

Ka Nohona Pili Kai

Pä hanu mai ka pua ehu o ke kai   
E holu nape ana i ka lau kï   
Me he leo `a`ala i mäpu mai   
E heahea mau nei   

Aloha ë, aloha nö   
Aloha ka häli`ali`a mau   
He nani ë, he nani nö   
He nani ka nohona pili kai   

Lauele ka mana`o i ke aumoe   
Hia`ä i ka `ulaleo o ke kai   
Ka`iawe ka hä`upu aloha   
E ho`omälie mau nei   

He pilikana ka malu ulu niu   
Hei mai ana me ka pöhuehue   
A he wehi ho`i ko hi`ikua ë   
E kähiko mau nei   

Puana `ia no ke ehu o ke kai   
Ia hanu `a`ala o ke aumoe   
Moe a`e ke ala e `alo    
E ho`olale mau nei   

Aloha ë, aloha nö   
Aloha ka häli`ali`a mau   
He nani ë, he nani nö   
He nani ka nohona pili kai     

The spray of the sea comes as a breath     
Rustling the leaves of the ti plants     
Like a perfumed whisper scenting the air     
Ever calling to me     

Beloved, beloved indeed!     
Beloved is the sweet remembrance     
Beautiful, beautiful indeed!     
Beauty embodies that seaside home     

The mind wanders freely in the dark of night     
Wakeful from the spirit-like voice of the sea     
Precious images drift through my thoughts     
Always bringing a sense of peace     

The shade of the coconut grove is like family      
Embracing me like the morning glory     
Those who are gone become a thing of beauty     
An everlasting adornment to hold dear     

The spray of the sea recounts the story     
That perfumed murmur of the deep of night     
The pathway lies before us that we tread     
Beckoning us ever forward     

Beloved, beloved indeed!     
Beloved is the sweet remembrance     
Beautiful, beautiful indeed!     
Beauty embodies that seaside home            

Ka Nohona Pili Kai               
Keali`i Reichel & Puakea Nogelmeier        

28 February 2008

blue sky, nothing but blue sky

Before we moved here, we were told that it never rains in So. CA and that it is never cold. Those were two of the biggest little lies I had ever heard. Now I see why Ugg boots are so popular here.

Okay, so this is not Fargo, ND, either, but it has been sufficiently cold and I myself have been wearing Uggs (studiously purchased to keep up with the local fashion). Ugg boot season, however, seems to be ending now -- today, the sky is forever blue with not a cloud to be seen, the breeze is sweet, and thanks to all the rain we had several weeks back, the hills are alive not only with the sound of mucis but also with sprouts of green everywhere.

It's spring!

It's the season of new beginnings! Time to clean out our closets, cabinets, and bookcases, and give away what's not needed any more. In the spirit of purging, I have already got my hair cut fairly short. We're getting rid of the extra bed (only two people have come to stay overnight in the last two years) and the loveseat that has been sitting in the garage for over a year. We'll paint the former guest room with a spring-y shade of blue and make it a playroom for E and his friends.

Spring, spring, spring!

A light exists in spring
Not present on the year
At any other period.
When March is scarcely here

-Emily Dickinson

22 February 2008

in the beginning

In the beginning, there was nothing in the space where this blog now appears. In fact, the space didn't even exist. There was just...nothing. And a few fingers said, "Be!" and so it was. From nothing to an infinite possibility, in just a few minutes while my fingers (and the brain to which they are connected) struggled to create its existence.

Wow. Now I need to rest.